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 One
of Five People Who Wish They Were Me
(an excerpt from my future novel "LSD For The Human
Soul")
by Frankie Oscar Como
There are five people who wish they were me. One is an appliance
repairman who resides in Butucka, Montana. He lives alone
in a trailer on a flat piece of land with a tree and a dog.
He doesn't work much and he spends his free time reading Modern
Detective magazines. The covers of these magazines are his
girlfriends and he dates quite often. He eats a lot. He eats
food. When going to the bathroom, he never bothers to close
the door. He has seen lots of UFO's. He has many abduction
stories. He is the one who does the abducting and experimenting.
He drinks lots of liquids. He will wet his bed for attention.
On holidays, he exchanges presents with himself. He enjoys
getting drunk and crawling under his trailer after it rains.
When he runs across an earthworm, he tries to catch it by
sucking it up with his mouth. He considers this a mid-western
delicacy. He is a self-proclaimed psychic. He has an acute
intuition among the living. Like when the phone rings or someone
knocks on his door, he feels that he is trying to be reached.
He will then have contact with that person. He had a gambling
problem. Though he would only bet with himself, he would lose
quite often. He decided to quit…after a long losing streak
he broke his own legs. He has a fear of venomous reptiles.
His biggest fear is that one day computers will replace appliances.
His eyes used to hurt all the time. After he stopped putting
out his cigars on his eyelids, the pain seemed to stop. He
has a garden. He plants psalms and proverbs. Until one grows,
he vows to remain an atheist. He has a brother who went to
war. When he returned, he was missing his hands and feet.
The army doctors compensated by attaching an extra right arm
and left leg to his body. These limbs were also missing their
units. Some called him spider man, others called him sexapuss.
He didn't mind the name calling as long as they did not buy
him shoes or gloves. He received a government check once a
month. He had trouble finding stores that had clothes to fit
him. After several months of therapy, he mastered the movements
of all his limbs. For further rehabilitation, he studied ballet.
He would search the sides of the road for hands and feet,
but to no avail. He was on a long waiting list for donors.
His elbows and knees were important to his mobility. He wanted
to be a boxer. He trained very hard before finding out they
had rules about people with extra limbs. He went to New York
to become a porn star. He finally made it. This also solved
his wardrobe problems. His success in films inspired many
men to join the armed forces. It was around this time his
brothers garden started to bloom.
sketch above by one of Frank's good friends, Wes from DFC
(Desperate For Change)
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